Abandoned

May be, I am the kind of person who likes to see whole lot of small things, behind all the big nothings.

May be, I just want to fish a story or make one up in an empty space… but doesn’t   that make you feel so young and alive! Just like, being five all over again. Not so long ago, in moment of heat, I was told that ‘I am a spoiled eight year old with no sense of reality and who thinks this world is nothing but Cinderella’s big pumpkin.’

Well, in my defense, I would like to differ. I don’t think I am 8 years old, I am Five and I like it that ways.

Today, let’s just take a look at a place we all go for the stories – Blogs. Random Blogs!

I like the colorful, sensible yet fascinating blogging world, better than the real deal.  However, when ever I come across a blog, that has been estranged by his once proud owner, a sense of sadness takes me over. It’s like those beautiful left alone housing buildings. Don’t they spook you just a little? I mean, what does it take for one, to just get up one day and leave, Never coming back! I am sure it takes more than a day to leave a life behind!

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In  the world of blogs, we see lives, its like a whole new planet out here…

And there are so many of them, not just on wordpress, they are just there, one day thriving with amazing images, words, recipes, songs, secrets and then… well there is not another date.

It makes me sad.

If you have left someone/Blog behind, please come back, cause its waiting for you, right where you left it.

***These images are thankfully taken from http://hermuddysocks.wordpress.com/2012/01/02/abandoned/ 

A friend, who also inspired me to write this, cause i miss her in her blogging world. 

Road

Originally posted on: Dec 5, 2007

 Your hand in mine…

 As we walk on the lane of time.

 With every step we know little more,

 As we go along the road we grow,

 Your hand in mine…

 As we walk on the lane of time.

 Walking and laughing,

 Stumbling and falling,

  With every step we know little more,

 As we go along the road we grow,

 Your hand in mine…

 As we walk on the lane of time.

 Strange it may seem,

 The darkness of the road is leading you and me,

 Where it will take us, We still don’t know,

 With every step we will know little more

 As we go along the road, we grow,

 Your hand in mine…

 As we walk on the lane of time.

Emptiness!

Words were like tears to me, they used to cloud my soul and start to flow at most awkward moments. When I was happy, sad or angry, only way I knew of showing, was through writing a line or two. Today, I sit idle, waiting for the tears to form or words to flow, none show up. I fail to understand why 2 most important forms of expression have deserted me without any warning. I keep looking up a line here and a line there that I left so carelessly on different places and I don’t even feel nostalgic looking at them.

I was sent a hate mail by a long lost friend today. It had accusations and words used to refer to me which I thought no decent man would use for a woman. Even then, I couldn’t summon a tear or word in reaction to that mail. I know it’s tearing me apart from the inside, but I just can’t get it out. Writing was the only way of healing I knew and now, I seem to have lost the way of life.

Reflecting on this life…

A while back once I was watching a cookery show called Nigella’s Treat on TL: that day she was experimenting with making Ice Candy and she suggested if we add chilli flakes in the candy, it makes the whole deal a lot more interesting. You enjoying your candy, you touch the chilie and suddenly your tongue would dig into the ice like never before.  As I sit here today as 28 year old, married for 3 months, that’s how I kind of feel about life. That almighty has given us the sweetest gift ever in the form of life,  but sometimes when we hit the rock bottom, these moments, these phases, in life,  make us want that sweetness, coolness of life like we never would have otherwise…  oh I love, how I so love this bitter sweet life.

Blogdrive!

These posts were originally published at http://bittercharm.blogdrive.com

Foot Prints…

Originally posted on: Dec 19, 2008

With every step that I take towards my today, I push my yesterday a step behind. Sometimes I am careless about where I am keeping my foot and others I take each step with care leaving my footprints on the lane of time. Every now and then I stop, to look back and I see pair of different footprints beside mine. One pair disappears and other emerges making a beautiful pattern on the heart of mine.  I look back sometime with the vision blurred with tears from the painful memories or often with a smile but I keep walking leaving my footprints on the lane of time.

 

Blabbering…

Originally posted on: Dec 18, 2008

I don’t trust people blindly, I trust them intuitively. I know I have made mistakes in the past doing the same however the success rate has been high enough to keep me taking the same road over and over again.

Where the day takes you!!

Originally posted on: Dec 17, 2008

As a child I have been afraid of winters for the chill they bring and as I grew up  my belief got stronger as all the major events happened in my life in winters. Getting the first job, first crush, first heart break, first time moving out of town to live all by my own, first encounter with life and death. But now when I look back I find winters exciting as they bring a new challenge every time. This year again I  have relocated, actually not just relocated it has brought a big change in my life as from past 6 years i have always worked in night shifts and now i am in a day job. however i wonder how do people manage to wake up early, travel 2 hours, reach office, work till late evening, take even longer time to reach back home… and still manage to socialize. i am finding it hard.. Hope I can accommodate all my extra useless activities in all these worldly important chores.   

“and a week after writing this I broke my leg, sigh! “L

Blabbering

Originally posted on: Sep 29, 2008

Today again I wish to die,

My soul wants to be free and fly..

I pray not to be born again,

To hurt and be hurt for the love sake.

With all the choices you make

Some are happy and the others cry,

These choices,

These cruel choices…

I don’t want to lose again,

I don’t even want to try.

Today again I wish to die,

My soul wants to be free and fly..

Sweet Chilies

Originally posted on: Jun 24, 2008

I sit by the window,

Sipping my tea…

Every day I dream of the day,

When u were with me…

I imagine having endless talks,

When really we had so little to say…

 You hurt me so much,

Still I expect you to kiss my pain away,

Thoughts of you make me smile…

Thinking of you I cry.

These sweet chili like memories have kept me going so far,

These sweet chili like memories will make me die… 

Originally posted on: Jun 3, 2008

Blabbering…

On a rusty shelf…

There lay some left over from the past Christmas:

Some decorative lights…  Dirty socks…  and a dried wreath.

I look deeper…

Ponder some more in the closet of past…

I think of Christmas, the shopping and the merry times…

Then I think of you… I think of us… and that sudden death…

There was a bell that you brought me…

There it is in the corner …

It doesn’t ring no more…

A silent bell…

It has lost its heart. 

---

I call his name…

……, Peas is being torn,

Please help…

Please save……

I don’t want to die again,

I don’t want to be born.

---

Ah! Home Sweet home,

I sigh!

But where is he? What became of him?? Did he make it???

I can’t stop wondering…

I don’t know why!

---

The distance between life and death is just 2 steps deep,

I need to die some more and you need to wake up from that sleep

Originally posted on: May 30, 2008

Lost in time…

A little girl,

Sitting on the rock… in a red frock…

Did I notice her first or the color of her dress??

Did it even matter that her hair were all mess??

I looked at her face again, searching for a sign…

Something was strange…

What did I see??

I suddenly felt a rush in my heart…

She had a face…

Face of mine…

I looked around to gather my surroundings…

Where was I and looking at who??

I was looking at nothingness…

I was lost in time.   

———————————————————————————————————————————-

When I speak I feel I am bluffing,

I don’t trust my words no more,

Each sound that I make adds to the list of lies…

My throat feels soar.

There is a jolly joker on the stage…

He is laughing…

I wonder why…

I can still see the un-slept nights in his eyes…

The wetness on his pillow would tell u that he cried…

Nonetheless he is laughing…

I wonder why…

Originally posted on: Apr 30, 2008

• I look in the mirror and a stranger shouts back “such waste of life.”
• Are we still living in the same age of barter system, where one gets loved for the things he can offer?
• …

Originally posted on: Apr 19, 2008

Fatal Attraction

My vision was blurry as I was walking towards you. I knew my each step taken cannot be reversed and I am heading towards destruction but sheer attraction of you barred my sanity to take control. So here I am, looking in your eyes… waiting for you to take me, you can make it slow and painful… you can make it as fast as light. My silent killer, I stand here to be sacrificed… to die… Please take my breath away!!

My loving prey

I am a parasite; I have been living on your blood for too long. Before you could ever realize I have sucked the life out of you and now it’s time to move on. But as a good (uninvited) guest that I was I thought of letting you know that you were the best prey I have ever had. I will miss you till you get the strength and life enough to attract me again. 

Originally posted on: Dec 6, 2007

Burning

Don’t bother by what I say,

I am prisoner of my own desires,

Dreams…

That are no longer inviting valleys…

Rather dead dark alleys.

I scream to get some help

But who can save you,

From self set fire….
Pain

Pain

this Pain….

It never seems to end.

Things are still the same….

My Blood and Your Heart

They are never going to blend!

Silent Screams!!

You hurt… 

You cry

You suffer..

You die

But when tears seize to come..

Death refuses to take you…

You hurt…

You suffer…

You scream..

All you get is silence..

More silence…

Silent screams are never heard…

It’s a silence you hear with a storm…

A storm….

That’s never to come.

 

??

My heart is sinking…

In my own chest??

Did I choke,

In my own breath??

Am dying,

Was destined to…

 But did I die my own death??

Sadness

Underneath all these happy faces we have a sadness that resides…

Sadness born not out of failures but it’s a state of mind…

That does not make us depressed people,

Only that it makes us value a smile…

Faith

I am fighter…I know…Can go on struggling…

Fighting… Dying …But for what??For whom??Losing cause is bad enough…But losing faith… …Haven’t learned to handle that yet!

Road

Originally posted on: Dec 5, 2007

Your hand in mine…

As we walk on the lane of time.

With every step we know little more,

As we go along the road we grow,

Your hand in mine…

As we walk on the lane of time.

Walking and laughing,

Stumbling and falling,

 With every step we know little more,

As we go along the road we grow,

Your hand in mine…

As we walk on the lane of time.

Strange it may seem,

The darkness of the road is leading you and me,

Where it will take us, we still don’t know,

With every step we will know little more

As we go along the road, we grow,

Your hand in mine…

As we walk on the lane of time.

Sinner

picture is taken from "http://withoutwords.wordpress.com/"

I am not sure if I am suppose to miss you,

You are nothing to me…

Mere reflection of my ability to sin.

But I miss you nonetheless.

I know you are not the symbol of love I was seeking…

But who am I to complain…

I feel no more that purity I used to be.

 My thoughts are coarse…

Daunted by your wicked gaze.

I feel damned,

Will I ever escape this crazy chase??

You think you know me, eh?

 

It isn’t my fault…. I was tagged by a Flying elephant to write this down…. Yeh, now you will say I am still not sober….

1. I have bunked my classes just once in my student life that was when I was in III^rd std.
   

   Know me lil more

2. I once forged my teacher’s signature and made him believe that he only signed it. (I was in VI^th  std.)
3. My worst nightmare as a kid was that my brother (elder) is a vampire. (I still think, he is no less!)
4. As a kid I wanted to be the first female president of India. (Too late now L)
5. I started my career with a summer job at a Bharat petroleum fuel station.(yes I filled the tanks, that’s not common in India even today.)
6. I fell in love with a guy on a traffic light whom I never saw again. (So much for true love/love at first sight!)
7. I find the idea of being in love more romantic than actually being in love.
8. I made a long trip alone to some place far away from my home without letting anyone know about it.
9. I once had 8 shots of Smirnoff Vodka and still went 3 floors down on my feet to catch a cab. (I am a teetotaller)  
10. I love to be hugged.
11. I am a good story teller.
12. I have a teddy named Mr. Bear that travels with me where ever I go.
13.  I do not like social networking sites anymore.
14.  I love to write with a black gel pen on a paper towel or a tissue paper.
15.  I like hitchhiking.
16.  I am crazy about collecting earrings.
17.  I am addicted to Sony Ericsson cell phones.
18.  I love to be clicked.
19.  I do not like milk.
20.  I love collecting quotes.
21.  My favorite drink is the one with low calorie, no sweeteners, no preservatives absolutely pure mineral water.
22.  I have at least 7 different names given by my family & friends and they prefer to address me by the name given by them only.
23. I once made a friend by offering a hug to a girl who I saw crying in the wash room of my work place and she till date is dearest friend of mine.
24. I have a wallpaper of a red Chevrolet corvette on my office system, mobile and laptop.
25. I thought I know myself quite well till I sat down to write this list.

In pursuit of happiness

One lovely summer morning I stepped out of my house, hoping for the same day I live through every day. I reached my usual spot, where I catch my auto from, that will take me to another place to move on.  I looked up in the sky, something made me smile, and I decided to take a walk, Just to see if I can find something else to feel the happiness I just did. As I started my journey, a wonderful song on FM started to play. With every step I took, I slowed down just a bit. Feeling like a thirsty soul I was looking for more. The pale leaves I was walking on, listening to the wonderful song. I saw a poor man playing with a stray dog, They both were so happy running back and forth, I never felt that pull in my heart before And with a thirst in my heart I wanted more hence I moved on. As I walked a little more, I saw a child on the road, shouting more loudly she could afford. I looked around to see what was she doing and I saw bunch of more kids on the other side, Laughing and shouting, they had invented a new game and I could see the obvious pride. I was walking again, without caring about the calls I had just missed on the phone. I was so happy, never felt so alive. My pursuit of happiness had left me with a smile.

 

 

 

 

Road as seen from charminar hyderabad

 

 

 

 

Sound of Silence

Have you ever heard your heart humming in your chest or may be your own breath singing the same line over and over again. Some times you can even hear the noise of blood roaring in your body like water in some river. Every vein talks, every muscle twitches in a strange musical way, but if you go deeper than that into the soft darkness of silence you hear a voice, a voice similar to yours, trying to reach you in every moment of your life but it is suppressed under the layers of noises in and around us.

The image was taken from dickyjphotography blog

This strange voice seems to know us better than we do. It guides, scolds, soothes and stops like a mentor. If you can go deep enough to hear it, that is when the dialogue with ‘The GOD’ begins.