Thud… thud… thud…
I am not sure, if the loud bang is of my feet hitting the pavement, or my heart, beating loud in my chest. I try to synchronize the noise to the unwelcome thoughts in my head.
My failed attempts of keeping peace outside are beginning to fade away, as the clouds of the dark thoughts take over my sole existence.
The voices, the noises, the places, all that, I don’t want to see, I don’t want to hear, are looming over my head, like a giant shadow.
I run, run faster, hoping to escape, but only feel more torn in my gut.
“You can never run away from who you are!” I hear it again and again as I speed up.
“Play a different song”, I tell myself. “Keep running!”, “it’s just a dream!” I hear my voice like a distant thought.
I am still running, only to find, that I have reached the end of the road. I hear the loud dark shadows catching up on me. I know, I must turn and face my worst fears, but I just fall to the ground wishing, I was someplace else.
It rained today, bitter cold rain, came pouring down, not just on the outside but also on my plans of a quick 3 mile run. I know, I wrote about hopes, luck and high spirits a day before, but isn’t today another day?
I have been tipsy since yesterday, dint write a thing, dint click a picture, been too happy, too sad!
The thing we worked for all year-long, prayed day and night and hoped for to happen has happened yesterday, leaving me to wonder how I will go along. My Man, MY MAN, is moving away, not to another city, another town but to a whole new world, a far continent away. I haven’t been afraid in a long while, but last night I dreamt of being bullied again. He gave me the courage, I so needed to fight off my fears and now I am worried if I really had it in me all along.
He will be away and I will be here waiting to join him some day. Would I be same without him? Would I be able to carry on? I seem to be suddenly afraid of the dark. I know I need to be strong, if not for mine then for his sake, so that he can leave in peace. Is it stupid to pretend to be strong on the outside and come over here and spell out your each fear? I don’t know, I don’t wish to find out. I know life is not going to be same and for that I need to get strong.