Friday Fiction | Forbidden

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Written for | Friday Frictioneers

“Berries, Berries, Berries…..”

“MOM!”

His voice was like a hammer in my head. I was already fighting the taste of stale beer in my mouth, I didn’t want this.

“What do you want!”

“Mrs. Morris asked for real berries!”

“These are real, just a bit cold.”

“But we didn’t go up the hill to camp and pick berries, like we did with dad.”

And I lost it at that….

“Well, do you see your bastard of a dad anywhere around here?”

I don’t know if it was my shrilling, slurred, drunken voice or the loud thud of refrigerator door, he broke down.

“Mom! It’s not my fault, he’s gone.”

His every word cut deeper than the already stabbing feelings that I had in my gut and I knew then, I had to get myself together for both of us.

But all I could manage was, “I know honey, it was the Puerto Rican Bitch!”


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25 responses »

  1. Very painful scene that I’m sure is too close to reality for many children. So glad your mc decided to pull herself together. Stacy mentioned why not wine instead of beer and I was surprised it wasn’t whiskey or tequila if she’s that far gone. The choice of anesthetic is likely a culturally influenced one, too, and I love learning little details like that through these stories.

    • Dear Madison,

      Thank you for Dropping by , It indeed is a fine observation. In the culture I come from, Beer is not a preferred drink for women and tequilla is probably for the wild ones. The idea was to portray a woman who lacked the knowledge or desire to pick a sophisticated drink, as her only aim was to forget the reality staring in her face.

      Regards,
      BC

  2. Awww…feel sorry for the mother…the bitterness lingers. Hope she can rise above it and move on for the sake of her son. Nice work. Stacey gave you some wonderful, positive criticism… I learned from it as well. Find me on the list.

  3. Great dialogue! I have a quote from I don’t know where on the wall over my desk ‘Good dialogue is never an exchange of information it’s about a character’s motivation’, your story really shows that 🙂

    • Dear Friend,

      Thank you for stopping by, as you can see, i am quiet a bit late in catching up on FF this time. I will check out your story in a bit.

      Regards,

      BC

  4. Hello! 🙂 First drunk I’ve seen this week. I was intrigued that the lady’s drink of choice was beer (not wine), and I found it horribly sad that her husband taking off left her in such a sorry state. 😦

    Suggestions:

    If you aren’t already doing it, read the dialogue out loud. It will help you keep your character voices consistent (the child would probably say “he’s” instead of “he is”; unless there’s a greater back story about the particular berries, he would also probably say “Mrs. Morris asked for real berries” instead of “the real berries” [this did stump me a little as a reader, how does Mrs. Morris know the difference?/where did the “not real berries” come from (are they frozen, etc.)?].

    You can tighten things up/make things clearer by omitting/rearranging word order. For instance “And I lost it at that…” — if you use “And I lost it.” you’ve already said enough (you go on to show us the losing it). If you use “At that, I lost it.” you’ve made it chronological (that was said, she lost it). It flows more naturally (and is easier for the reader to follow) than losing it, because of that (the reader has to pause and think back to what just happened).

    I’m over at http://plowright.wordpress.com/2012/06/29/fictioneers-19/

    • Wow, I really really really appreciate your feedback. in fact I am going to revise it right away and will remember the tip for the next time. About the wine, I thought, wine is what a woman would start with, but beer is symbolic to reaching the level, where you no longer what’s going in. I hope that makes sense. Thank you for stopping by.

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