Fearless, My @$$!


Few weeks back, on a Saturday night, I turned the corner and found a fair. A real ‘Fair’, here, in Netherlands, Just like the one we had back home, with all the rides and food and people and  Beer, boy so much of beer, I had never seen. (we do not get that back home). Anyhow, I was feeling extra alive that night so I screamed to my man for taking me to all the rides. He wasn’t so sure, cause the one I wanted to begin with, was really scary and he didn’t know if I could handle it. But with much of pulling from my side and little bit rebuttals from his, we ended up with the tickets to the scariest ride of my life.

While getting on the ride was fun, and get off was much awaited, but every thing in between was a colourful blur.  But when I was on the ride I found every one, either laughing, screaming, crying, some throwing up, I mean every one was active except for me. I was quiet as stone and some times closed my eyes when it got really scary, letting it go on.  You see I am not the dare-devil kinds, but I also rarely chicken out of things, even if it gets really nasty.

The ride was fun, and I know I probably would like to do it again, but it got me seriously thinking about something that was wrong.

I know, I know I pick on myself more than any one else would dare to do with me, but that’s how you get better in life, I think! But, I realized, while I may not quit all together, I never let myself go with things either. Life is like a Roller coaster Ride, I am okay with all the ups and downs and being pulled around with G-forces and all, but often enough I find myself get lost in my happy place, trying to stay as still as I can, waiting for things to settle down. I do not kick back, I do not stare in its eyes, I do not throw up.

For example, I promised myself to write every day, and I do. if you are wondering about the missing articles, well they are all lying in my drafts because I recently updated my subscribers widget and noticed that I had a few kind souls reading all the bull shit I put out there, and now I can not publish my posts. I mean I do not want to stop writing, but what if I am not good enough.   I don’t want to let any one down! (what crap!)

I wrote this particular piece the following Monday after that fair, but never got around posting it. Now that I know, I do this, I might be able to fix but…. what a sad ass way to go man… I need to grow up.




4 responses »

  1. I am going to echo what Gilly said. You must try and let go of the feeling of being not good enough. I hope all your posts, sleeping peacefully in your draft folder, will get their share of space in the published folder. Let them see the light of the day.

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