*** before you proceed on to reading this, I might as well just tell you, It is not written for any literal or entertainment value and may leave you feeling strained. I am just writing, like I probably should, in my personal Diary, but since, this is my personal diary, I have chosen to ramble on.
It’s amazing how our mind works, sometimes against us, sometimes in favour, but mostly just to stay, (lets just put it mildly), ‘In comfort’.
It has happened to me before and I know my mind will trick me in future as well, however, the silly thing doesn’t know that I have figured it out now.
I love learning human psychology and out of all the books I have ever read, my man is the best of them all. His understanding while sounds so raw and unbelievable, is mostly true. In his words, ‘Minds/Brains sole job is to keep us alive as long as it can, It makes us lazy, solely on account that less movement results in less risks, hence we live on. Our heart on the hand, is ‘Heart’ after all, Heart wants what heart wants, hence we dream on. For most, Heart loses to mind, succumbing to the primal urge to live a long and ordinary life, while few out of the minds fellows, recklessly follow their dreams, truly living long. ‘
Any how, coming back to the mind games, ever since this year has started, life has been, lets just say ‘eventful’. Things haven’t always been pleasant, however mostly worth the pain – for the learning they left behind. So in the middle of lots of roller coaster ride like, fast paced learning, I have grown up more than I did in the past 10 years put together. I had heard about people saying,”ignorance is a bliss” and today, I do understand that, for more I am learning about myself, world, people, life – less rested I feel. So many believes have shattered, so many theories have been proven wrong, but result, always is, Me Growing strong.
So it should be all well then?
It is, except, that with all that 24 hour buzz, my mind is little shaken ; ).
No, I haven’t lost my marbles, it’s just, It does get overwhelming, the more I learn, more I see that I still don’t know so much and whenever I am feeling ambitious, my jealous mind steps in, playing cheap games.
For instance, bringing back memories of people who have let me down, or done me wrong, I am sure every body has few of them in store, so do I. I have been so angry lately, thinking of all that wasn’t right, all that wasn’t deserved, all that went in vain and all that was never said. Like apologies, I have wasted more than a week, thinking of an apology that has been due for couple of years now coupled with the thank you note, that was never passed on. I remember how many times I gave that person chance just to hear him say those to words, and yet they never came.
Thinking about these things is useless, like bandwidth wasted by spyware, but that is exactly what my mind does, putting so much of shit in there, that I am reduced to nothing but a crashed, infected old Celeron.
I was born smart, talented, so to say, I haven’t met another man of my age who has outwitted me yet, however I have also been the laziest being I have ever seen, I have always done just enough to survive, cause I knew I did not have to do more. But things are different now, I want things for myself, I want to make a mark, may be an impression if not on the whole world then at least on my own little side of the world. So every few days, when I have knocked a few limits set by my mind, I am thrown back into the spiral of this playful self pity games. On most days I am just sulking, proceeding to becoming unbearable and ending in self-destruction (nothing scary) mode.
The point is, Mr. Mind, I know you are smart, Frick! I am your biggest fan, but lets just quit playing this lovers chase and focus on our big aim! Lets make peace and live happily ever after or I will have to leave every thing aside to kick your smart ass out of here.