Tag Archives: dreams

Who’s laughing now!

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Who so ever said, “Life’s Hard”, was way off!

Life to me, seems like this flexible thing, ever-changing under the pressure of our dreams, hopes and sometimes under sheer will.

What it although is, a Sarcastic B**** with a dry wit. It doesn’t complain against our efforts of constantly changing its course, It awaits, almost silently, till the moment you have it all exactly how you once wished  it to be and then gloats watching you suffer and wishing for the things to be different again.

 

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Onion-y Life!

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I am very, very aware of her pretty little face, right at the nape of my neck. She is breathing down on me in her futile attempt at belittling my already little self. I chose to ignore her hushed chuckles as I focus on the blade in hand. I try again, to get in the harder bitter shell.

“Arh! This is just wrong”, I hear her say, but I continue to peel any way.

I dig in my  sharp steel knife into the hardness of much awaited life. The fumes are sharp and flavor is bitter, I don’t notice when I begin to cry. I am done with hard sunny shell of becoming a baby and I can see the sweet layer of tiny steps.  I am getting impatient as I hear her snickering behind my back, I peel away the childhood and all the growing up days.

Oh dear lord!

Comes the rotten layer,  of lies, deceits and all the ugly things that come with college affairs. I wash my hands in lonely tears and get right back on my pealing race. There are sweet flavors of love, motherhood and growing old, but I am too busy getting to the core.  With every layer gone, the silence deepens,  I can’t guess why, she is no longer speaking. I feel the sadness grow, as I am left with nothing more. Surrounded by the shells and layers,  I went through life, like a chore. As I turn around, I see her sad face.  My life, looking up, as if to say,

“Yes, you are done,

but it wasn’t a race,

whatever happened to living and taking a moment to embrace?”

 

Questions and more…

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Have I struggled enough,

I ask myself,

or have I just endured?

does my silent-suffering,

makes me noble,

or was I suppose to kick back more?

I too bear the ugly scars,

then how come they don’t tell tales?

or being beaten, is not quite as much fun,

as fighting tooth and nails.

Life is mean,

and End is real,

but that’s no reason to not have soul.

being in ditch,

brings no glory,

unless I find my way out of hell hole.

Friendly chat!

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My dearest friend,

come sit,

lets talk, like we have never before.

Tell me, about the world you are in,

Let me in your core.

Do you get scared too,

for having so many dreams?

do your thoughts come haunting,

wanting to make you scream?

How do you handle the restless mind,

is it easy to tame?

How do you put an end,

to all these mind games?

My dearest friend,

talk to me,

for I am here for you.

Never mind the loneliness,

often, I feel it too.

Man who never died!

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I had imagined this day in my head numerous times, I thought I wouldn’t be able to stop crying, crying till the time my stomach felt sick, till my body had nothing else left to spare.

 But I didn’t.

 He was gone, and all I did was sigh!

 Sighed!

 As I replaced the receiver, I felt relieved. At least, He wont be bothered any more!

 I should have cried, bawled, for he was gone!

 I was mad at GOD, not for taking him but for the life he made him live and the way he made him die.

 I know he probably wasn’t the greatest father or may be the strongest human being, but he was the best Grand father in the whole wide world.

 He was the single most pleasant memory of my otherwise sick childhood. He was the one who turned me to books and story world.

 No one knew him like I did and all those secrets and stories were left in between, still waiting to be told.

 The oldest story he ever told me was his first childhood memory.

 How his mother had managed to bring him up, after his father’s sudden death. How the poverty was as common as a cheese burger today and staying alive was a miracle, no less.

His school days were magical! There were stories, of classmates haunted by past lives, strange animals and restless souls.  The teachers seemed like character out of different time and learning seemed like so much fun.

 I remembered how he told me about his Uncles and sisters.

How he missed my grandmother so very much.

He had lost his young wife – she was gone, even before he could know, she was sick.

He lost his eldest son at the age of 16, but he couldn’t say, he was hurt.

His faith in GOD was miraculous, I often argued with him, for not being there for my mother, and he would nod  and leave me to fuss.

He was always carrying my youngest cousin around as he was polio struck. He never complaint for having to nurse him or for when he kicked.  I didn’t understand why he did it, it wasn’t really his job.

He was this kindest, down to earth soul who never let any thing get to his head.

When I saw him suffer from throat cancer, I couldn’t help it, I was so angry with GOD, I know every one is going to die, why couldn’t he take him with less pain. He lost his voice, but we still shared our stories, I watched him fade away.

I remember asking GOD what was the point of his life, was he here to live a curse just like ‘Devrath‘?

It took me a while to find my answers as I was just a child myself. I saw myself growing and with each day, I looked more like my oldest crush! I couldn’t believe that out of all his offspring’s, his grandkids, I was the chosen one, who took after him. Even though he has been gone for more than a fifteen years now, but in me he will always live!

** Image is of Mary Pickford, thankfully borrowed from, http://elizs.tumblr.com/post/16006704518/legrandcirque-mary-pickford-writing-at-a-desk

He was feeling Kind…

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After 3 years and mere 70+31 posts ( I have 2 blogs and yes, I have been around for longer than you think), I can clearly see, that in life somewhere along the line, I have let myself down in more than one way.

There are things I did not do…

for I did not have time,

Things,

I chose to let go because they were conflicting with life,

But worst are those, I simply missed, cause I was too lazy or too cowered to try.

Life is never custom-made or handed on a platter to start with. It takes, endless hours and long days to make something worth mentioning out of it and my heart begins to sink when I think of all the lost time.

I started this blog, out of  a need. I need to write, just like I need to breathe. Being inactive here literally costs me time that I will never get again. If I have written, 101 posts in 3 years, I have spent 900 and 94 days brooding for not penning that day.

I write, because I love it. Period.  Still, it is so hard to come around and write a few words every day. 

You can’t turn to your family or Friends for support, for something so small, when you know they probably fighting bigger battles than your meagre identity crises and suddenly out of no where you find your self praying.

Praying to GOD for the courage it takes to face who you really are. Praying to GOD for the peace you have never known. Praying to be able to give up the temptation to succeed right away. Praying for a sign that will urge you on….

And then as if GOD is feeling too kind…

You have people coming along, Leaving you encouraging words, leaving you token of appreciation, tempting you with awards, to not give up just yet.

So I think, May be I will try to write, just one more time. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

** Image is thankfully borrowed from Wikipedia.

Li’l things!

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It’s amazing how we go through life, wishing for all the big things/days, or defining moments, that will change our
lives. Starting from, Learning to walk or may be just growing up faster, First day at high school, first date/kiss, Graduation day, Getting married, hopefully not getting divorced and having kids and the list goes on….

But really?

Is it really on these days/moments that we turn into someone new?

Sure, we do get to change last name (if you wish) or get a title (if you are a doctor), but apart from that, does any of this really change anything?

I keep wondering, how, there are millions of little things, that make us who we are and yet, we never seem to be  aware, of them even happening!

I mean, I waited, and I really mean, ‘standing on one foot, holding my breath’, waited, for the life to happen somewhere in past 29 and a half years, but strangely enough I neglected every single minute I was living it.

And it applies to every thing, Like, men think, they need to buy pearly necklaces, for their woman to be really happy, when she might be just as content, in being asked out for a cup of coffee once in a while by the same man she’s been married to, for as long as she can remember. Similarly, a woman may be killing herself in the gym to stay sexy, to be wanted, when all she needs is, to be happy and smile, to attract a decent bloke.

Every couple wishes for their kids to do big things in life, they aren’t even born and the blue print of whole life is already set for the poor little kid.

Why? Why, is it so important for every thing to happen at a grand level?

Why, we don’t seem to understand that, the gravity was discovered, in a quiet moment, under an apple tree or how a single seagull led to spit fire, hence changing the world history.

There is nothing wrong in wanting to reach stars, but its the desire to leap, It’s, forgetting, that it takes millions of tiny little steps to get there, is what leads us to the unhappiness we feel.

**Only words are mine. Image is thankfully borrowed from http://mysite.verizon.net/vzepir4z/footprints/index.html

What women want!

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When I saw her first, she looked like a doll in that window, in her blue swim suit. So still and beautiful, one hand on the waist, other on the glass, looking for something or someone, she stood tall. A hooker, they called her, a hooker in the Rossebuurt, but I don’t think she was more than sixteen.

She haunts me day and night, even though it’s been days since the scene. I wonder about all the possible romantic reasons of her being inside of that pretty draped room. “May be she was waiting for her ‘Richard Gere’, that pretty woman.

Isn’t that what we all want? – Possibility of romance, no matter how grave the life itself might be!

When I was younger, I remember listening to endless romantic/sad songs. Tears came easy and mood was romantic, that’s all I knew about world.

Even while growing I saw numerous romantic movies, from ‘Breakfast at Tiffany’s’ to ‘He’s just not that into you’ I wanted to be one of them, lost in love even though it pained.

Unlike men, we are ready to suffer, for the sake of living the dream, we cling on to hard lives, curses, difficult relationships, abuses and all that, for the sake of being in love.

It’s a need, just like water, air and food…

a need, a man would know none of…

Little bit of romance, a love story to call our own.

Evolution!

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We have seen it in the movies! We have read it in the books!

Some of us might even have lived it in the past.

There is always a day, when nothing goes right and when you think the worst has already happened, someone would take you to the new low. He will show you the mirror in the nastiest way and you would wish you were never born. But once the blow is over you could either spend the night crying and cursing the cruel one or grab a paper and pen to make notes, where did you go wrong, what can you do now, to never let anyone talk to you ever again the way that person did.

 We all need our alchemist to test us, to break us, to take us to the traps we would be tested in, till we succeed. The journey is never pretty, but end, my friend, end is always in our hands.  

Not so long ago, someone shook me to my very core.

 My Reaction –

 To be honest, I am one of those, who are naturally born, to grab a box of Kleenex at every opportunity and drown themselves in self-pity and sleep soundly on a very wet pillow, to wake up to being the same miserable selves, the very next day. It’s a survival technique, nothing rubs on us for long, so we continue to exist.  

Only, if only, I had continued to be that way! To my dismay, I chose to evolve, to take the game to a new level (hopefully not lower). So I spent that night thinking of my wrong ways. Today however I feel so proud of myself, because not only have I surprised myself with my ability to improve so quickly, I have left my critique speechless too.

My current success is what Paulo Coelho would have called the beginners luck.

  • Nonetheless, I seem to have taken control over my home. (Yes! Going to be a super home maker! I suck at it, as if now.)
  • I have already finished 2 books in 4 days. (50 is what I wish to achieve by the end of this year and in my defense they were small with about 200 pages each)
  • I am totally consistent on anything I am committing to!
     

 It’s only the start, I know, I have long way to go.

So, did any one shook you up lately?

To new year resolutions…

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If only, new years were enough to bring about changes, self loathing is the first step to improving oneself. You can’t change what you don’t hate!