Tag Archives: growing up

Being thirty something….

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I turned 31 this 7th. I can’t claim to have embraced the fact with whole my heart. Weeks leading up to the date were filled with dread, depression and unexplained complaints. While some of it could be contributed towards events occurring around me, but most of it was caused by the terror that had set deep within.  Suddenly I was very aware of the time slipping away with so much yet to be done.

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I couldn’t keep calm till I decided to do something different this year. Instead of the usual gift of books this year I decided to give myself 30 days of anti-procrastination campaign. I started on 8th of this month and I have still a few days to go and I can’t believe how much I have done in past few days.

I sat down and made a list of things that seem to be weighing my down. Like unfinished art works, projects around the house, Promised portraits that are yet to be delivered, My “Master the  German” dream and phone calls that I have dreaded to make.  The list goes on and on.  My days seem to have taken a new life as I sit and make plan for the things to be done the next day. Routines are getting established as each task is seamlessly finding its way in my things-to-do that day.

I am writing this down here so that I never forget, how happy I seem to be getting, in “being thirty something” with each passing day.

**only words are mine, image is thankfully borrowed from “http://www.whatwordsdoyouwear.com/2010/07/01/write-to-do-lists/”

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Grown ups!

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In my younger years, I couldnt wait to grow up!

Grown ups knew every thing!

They were not afraid of anyone and neither did they lie!

Grown ups didn’t make mistakes and best of all they didn’t have to do the homework!

Truth ironically, turned out to be way different than I thought (just like most things!).

Grown ups don’t have it easy in any thing!

Sure they don’t have to worry about pety homework, but their entire life is defined by the work they have to do most part of their day. They constantly lie. They make mistakes that probably have higher impacts then they themselves are aware of and without even knowing they are creating a new world for us every single day.

Take parents for example, I have cribbed for years for the mistakes my parents have made in bringing me up, from the frailty of my body to the constant emotional upheaval of my mind. The choices I have made or basically who I am, is impacted so much by who my parents are.

Aren’t parents suppose to know it all?

Yet, they and yes, I do mean all of them (good or bad) scar their children for life. Some with the abuses the child didn’t deserve, others  with love that child got without working hard.

But then, whatever I am today, it is because of where I have been and who have raised me. All my scares, good  or bad, make me an individual. Individual, my parents are proud of.

Now a days every thing I do, I keep in mind, its My job, to let go of  things that pull me down and polish the goodness my elders have worked so hard to instill in me.

So if I could go back in time, I would give my parents a break from all the silly complaints and tell them, what a fine job they have done in raising us all. (I do it now as often as I can)

Life’s ways!

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Couple of years ago, I took the low road and succumbed to the easy way out.

We all do that, on day to day basis, don’t we? and mostly there is no harm done. However in my case, I made my situation worse and took another friend down along with me. While the experience itself was painful, shattering and stained with lots of guilty tears, It helped me shape into who I am today and that ways it ended well for me. But in the process I lost a friend and  felt really bad for hurting a nice soul.

No matter how hard I tried to make the mends, it always resulted in exchange of harsh words. Some how this person was capable of bringing the worst out of me. I could lash out with insults I never knew existed and in result ended up being wounded even more. I was somehow convinced that I was the bad one and the other person was the victim here.

Till about last year, after another failed attempt at reconciliation, I took a step back and finally decided to let it all go. May be I was not the only one to be blamed and may be not every bridge can be mended again. I vowed to not make things any worse and prayed every day for the strength to carry on.

While it worked for me, it seems this dear friend of mine is still not able to let go. Every couple of months I get insults swinged at me, and unlike in the past, I am easily able to dodge.  I don’t feel the need to prove a point or hurt back any more.

Just the other day I got another note, wishing for me to burn in Hell and So intense was the need of this person to hurt me hard, that the poor soul couldn’t even frame the words right. I always used to get so hurt reading the words addressed to me that no decent person deserves to hear, and today all I feel is compassion for the person, who must be so overwhelmed with feelings that couldn’t even wait to get the note straight.

Every day lived, especially the ones I feel were unnecessarily hard, seem to bring out the best in me. Every minute, I am given a choice to take it easy or work hard for all its worth and I try not to forget the fallen moments and work hard to make it count, even if, its just for a day.

Onion-y Life!

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I am very, very aware of her pretty little face, right at the nape of my neck. She is breathing down on me in her futile attempt at belittling my already little self. I chose to ignore her hushed chuckles as I focus on the blade in hand. I try again, to get in the harder bitter shell.

“Arh! This is just wrong”, I hear her say, but I continue to peel any way.

I dig in my  sharp steel knife into the hardness of much awaited life. The fumes are sharp and flavor is bitter, I don’t notice when I begin to cry. I am done with hard sunny shell of becoming a baby and I can see the sweet layer of tiny steps.  I am getting impatient as I hear her snickering behind my back, I peel away the childhood and all the growing up days.

Oh dear lord!

Comes the rotten layer,  of lies, deceits and all the ugly things that come with college affairs. I wash my hands in lonely tears and get right back on my pealing race. There are sweet flavors of love, motherhood and growing old, but I am too busy getting to the core.  With every layer gone, the silence deepens,  I can’t guess why, she is no longer speaking. I feel the sadness grow, as I am left with nothing more. Surrounded by the shells and layers,  I went through life, like a chore. As I turn around, I see her sad face.  My life, looking up, as if to say,

“Yes, you are done,

but it wasn’t a race,

whatever happened to living and taking a moment to embrace?”

 

Friends for season!

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First draft.

‘Agony aunt!’

” now, I wouldn’t put it like that!

I like to call it, more of, um, seasonal friends. ”

“Common, there is nothing fascinating about that, I just happen to attract people, um,  who seem to have a lot going on!”

“Na! I do not think my life is inspired by 27 dresses! besides, I was born first.”

“Why would you care any ways??

I am not a runner-up of a ‘Extreme make over’ or a ‘vampire chick’. ”

“Chick flick, eh! ”

“I suppose that could be done, I can recall a few chick flick moments still.”

“Hmm, lets see, well, I knew I was no different from any other 17-year-old, except that teen years had not yet decided to show up. I wasn’t decidedly ugly or shy or studious so to say, I was just, umm a kid. “

He was a Greek God to me, so gorgeous, so kind and his soft chuckles used to be highlights of my day while I was his best bud. I think that’s when it all started.  I was picked to be the side kick.

So low was my self-esteem that I was a shoulder in my own life, never daring to be the heart.

So best friend it was!

He was kind and funny, and would talk to me about every thing he felt. He had met this girl and he could never stop talking about her. Any how he was just first of many more seasonal friends to come. He was my best friend, for those few ‘summer’ months.

Then, came the next ‘fall’, and  I took my first full-time job, I know, how exciting, but It’s just, that it sucked!

I was too young to be friends with and too plain to be seen around.

Girls used to stop chattering when I came in the room, for they mostly talked about boys and I was a kid, still.

This is where I met the specimen number 2, I wouldn’t really call her a friend. She was too busy trying to look good and was too bothered to see me without any paint.

She got me my first lipper, but in exchange of helping her out.

I would have heard her out any ways, not that I was going to paint my lips black, no way!

We talked about her crush and some love triangle and months later, she attempted to kill her self.

Well, I was too young to dispense words of wisdom, but I knew movies and shopping could heal anything. so, I took her around the town, for next 2 months we had lots of fun, just trying to move on. Then I had to dump her butt when i found out it was all a stunt and she was back with the same guy again.

Yeh, you meet some of those too!

Third one was sort of serious like the cold of winters next year, for she was more than just my friend. I met her at my second job. She was 5 years elder to me and I could never take my eyes off her. Now don’t get me wrong, she was so elegant and proper, I so wanted to be like her, well, as soon as I grew up. for next few months I watched her in awe, as she taught me stuff about make up and cloths and you know, other chick stuff. In the meantime I remember, she used to talk about her secret love. I could hear her sing about, in her soft, beautiful voice in our office women’s room.

We lost touch, when I took my first real good job and moved out-of-town. But I thought of her all the time. 

Some time passed and I met more damsels in distress, while she lingered in my heart, like a beautiful smell. I really missed her, I remember wanting her approval, I wanted her to be around to see how much I was growing up to be someone wonderful like her.

In ‘Summers’, I heard her over the phone after a long time and she told me, that she really loved me and disconnected the phone. That was one crazy night, I did not know where she lived now, what had happened to her, but I knew something was wrong.

Two days later, I found out that she was serious in a hospital. Her secret love had failed her and she was broke and alone, I knew I loved her so much the instant I saw her again. For next few months we were inseparable, we went out, ate together, and did all sort of fun things. Any one who wanted to talk to her, had to go through me first. 

“Can we talk about it a little later, I have stuff to do.” I had to stop talking, feeling the pang of tears swelling up in my eye.

Why would Karen do this to me, she can be such a B%$!^!

She had told her creative cousin about my article on female friendship and now that jack ass was pestering me on the phone to know all the details to make a short film.

To be continued….

Idle chat with the sense less mind!

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*** before you proceed on to reading this, I might as well just tell you, It is not written for any literal or entertainment value and may leave you feeling strained. I am just writing, like I probably should, in my personal Diary, but since, this is my personal diary, I have chosen to ramble on.

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It’s amazing how our mind works, sometimes against us, sometimes in favour, but mostly just to stay, (lets just put it mildly), ‘In comfort’.

It has happened to me before and I know my mind will trick me in future as well, however, the silly thing doesn’t know that I have figured it out now.

I love learning human psychology and out of all the books I have ever read, my man is the best of them all. His understanding while sounds so raw and unbelievable, is mostly true. In his words, ‘Minds/Brains sole job is to keep us alive as long as it can, It makes us lazy, solely on account that less movement results in less risks, hence we live on. Our heart on the hand, is ‘Heart’ after all, Heart wants what heart wants, hence we dream on. For most, Heart loses to mind, succumbing to the primal urge to live a long and ordinary life, while few out of the minds fellows, recklessly follow their dreams, truly living long. ‘

Any how, coming back to the mind games, ever since this year has started, life has been, lets just say ‘eventful’. Things haven’t always been pleasant, however mostly worth the pain – for the learning they left behind. So in the middle of lots of roller coaster ride like, fast paced learning, I have grown up more than I did in the past 10 years put together. I had heard about people saying,”ignorance is a bliss” and today, I do understand that, for more I am learning about myself, world, people, life – less rested I feel. So many believes have shattered, so many theories have been proven wrong, but result, always is, Me Growing strong.

So it should be all well then?

It is, except, that with all that 24 hour buzz, my mind is little shaken ; ).

No, I haven’t lost my marbles, it’s just, It does get overwhelming, the more I learn, more I see that I still don’t know so much and whenever I am feeling ambitious, my jealous mind steps in, playing cheap games.

For instance, bringing back memories of people who have let me down, or done me wrong, I am sure every body has few of them in store, so do I. I have been so angry lately, thinking of all that wasn’t right, all that wasn’t deserved, all that went in vain and all that was never said. Like apologies, I have wasted more than a week, thinking of an apology that has been due for couple of years now coupled with the thank you note, that was never passed on. I remember how many times I gave that person chance just to hear him say those to words, and yet they never came.

Thinking about these things is useless, like bandwidth wasted by spyware, but that is exactly what my mind does, putting so much of shit in there, that I am reduced to  nothing but a crashed, infected old Celeron.

I was born smart, talented, so to say, I haven’t met another man of my age who has outwitted me yet, however I have also been the laziest being I have ever seen, I have always done just enough to survive, cause I knew I did not have to do more. But things are different now, I want things for myself, I want to make a mark, may be an impression if not on the whole world then at least on my own little side of the world. So every few days, when I have knocked a few limits set by my mind, I am thrown back into the spiral of this playful self pity games. On most days I am just sulking, proceeding to becoming unbearable and ending in self-destruction (nothing scary) mode.

The point is, Mr. Mind, I know you are smart, Frick! I am your biggest fan, but lets just quit playing this lovers chase and focus on our big aim! Lets make peace and live happily ever after or I will have to leave every thing aside to kick your smart ass out of here.

 

Blabbering

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Every day I create a new Me,

Erasing the one from day before.

Never happy with what was done earlier,

Getting better, yet wanting more!

blabbering

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The struggle here is not with growing up, it’s more like, how to keep up with oneself in the process of moving up.

Diary of a wanna be bitch!

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I hate confrontations, I mean, who likes to stick their neck out and jump right into the hurt zone. I just want to mind my steps, never stepping on anyone’s path, forget about toes. I don’t want people to think I am bad. I want to be the nice one, the one who would heal.

But does it work out like that? – No Sir.

I end up letting things go way beyond control, repair or rebuild.

My silence sends a wrong message,

My procrastination on facing the truth spoils it beyond recognition and I lose the battle way before I step into the field. Nothing good ever comes out of it, then why am I still on the same path, making the same mistakes over and over again?

I need to stand up, without losing my head. Fight without fear or anger, fight for who I am and what I want to be. But I am so scared. Scared to take the first step, towards being that manipulative bitch, who, don’t just survives.

**Only text is mine, image is thankfully borrowed from “www.bestgallerytattoofor2012.blogspot.com”