Grieving heart!

Earlier this week  body of an infant was found in the back alley in our neighborhood. We live in a very calm n safe city, I couldn’t believe that anyone here was capable of such horrific act. it left me dumbfounded and I couldn’t get the baby out of my head the whole day.

May be I felt specially sensitive because those days my closest Friend’s new born was struggling for her life. She was born premature with a faulty heart. That little angel fought bravely for couple of weeks but gave in day before yesterday. And here I am like a fool, I can’t stop the tears from flowing. I am not a parent and yet I can’t seem to be able to detach myself from the pain of losing a child.

My heart is filled with anguish for the people who can throw away the tiny miracle of life on a dirty street like trash!

My heart can’t stop mourning for the loss of a mother who didn’t get to take her baby home!!

I firmly believe in GOD, I was raised to believe in God’s will. But for the first time in a long time I couldn’t seem to figure out his reasons and just when I thought of reminding him on how lousy a job he is doing down here, story of Bhishma Pitamah popped into my head. It felt like a bucket of ice cold water on my face. While our hearts will continue grieving for those innocent souls, I do believe now that those fallen angels are finally back home.

**only words are mine image is thankfully borrowed from http://www.counsellingtutor.com/the-4-tasks-of-greiving/

Man who never died!

I had imagined this day in my head numerous times, I thought I wouldn’t be able to stop crying, crying till the time my stomach felt sick, till my body had nothing else left to spare.

 But I didn’t.

 He was gone, and all I did was sigh!

 Sighed!

 As I replaced the receiver, I felt relieved. At least, He wont be bothered any more!

 I should have cried, bawled, for he was gone!

 I was mad at GOD, not for taking him but for the life he made him live and the way he made him die.

 I know he probably wasn’t the greatest father or may be the strongest human being, but he was the best Grand father in the whole wide world.

 He was the single most pleasant memory of my otherwise sick childhood. He was the one who turned me to books and story world.

 No one knew him like I did and all those secrets and stories were left in between, still waiting to be told.

 The oldest story he ever told me was his first childhood memory.

 How his mother had managed to bring him up, after his father’s sudden death. How the poverty was as common as a cheese burger today and staying alive was a miracle, no less.

His school days were magical! There were stories, of classmates haunted by past lives, strange animals and restless souls.  The teachers seemed like character out of different time and learning seemed like so much fun.

 I remembered how he told me about his Uncles and sisters.

How he missed my grandmother so very much.

He had lost his young wife – she was gone, even before he could know, she was sick.

He lost his eldest son at the age of 16, but he couldn’t say, he was hurt.

His faith in GOD was miraculous, I often argued with him, for not being there for my mother, and he would nod  and leave me to fuss.

He was always carrying my youngest cousin around as he was polio struck. He never complaint for having to nurse him or for when he kicked.  I didn’t understand why he did it, it wasn’t really his job.

He was this kindest, down to earth soul who never let any thing get to his head.

When I saw him suffer from throat cancer, I couldn’t help it, I was so angry with GOD, I know every one is going to die, why couldn’t he take him with less pain. He lost his voice, but we still shared our stories, I watched him fade away.

I remember asking GOD what was the point of his life, was he here to live a curse just like ‘Devrath‘?

It took me a while to find my answers as I was just a child myself. I saw myself growing and with each day, I looked more like my oldest crush! I couldn’t believe that out of all his offspring’s, his grandkids, I was the chosen one, who took after him. Even though he has been gone for more than a fifteen years now, but in me he will always live!

** Image is of Mary Pickford, thankfully borrowed from, http://elizs.tumblr.com/post/16006704518/legrandcirque-mary-pickford-writing-at-a-desk

The Damn Song!

And I finally found that song!

Couple of years back, I had major heartache, not that it has left me much since, but I thought I had learnt to deal with it, till I found this song again today.

I used to listen to this song like a mad man over and over again. I would have heard it at least a million times, if not more, back then.

As days went by and breathing continued without much damage than, an obvious weight loss and missing heart, I forgot the song.

Ever since then, I had been trying to find it again.

The heartache continued even though it kept on switching from love, pain, anger to hate depending on the hour of the day, and I still couldn’t recall the song.

Today it has been a few years since the original day and the pain is worse than ever, and I thought, damn it! If I would listen to that song once, I will feel better for sure.

Boy was I wrong, I found the song and along with it I found every thing I lived then.

But I still love the song.

(Its in Hindi, so for those who care to know…

It basically means,

I cant even breath without you, my love, i have been everywhere, without caring about the day or night and i still cant stop looking for you…. i cant be without you even for a minute and now even death is not coming easy, no prayer is helping and i cant breath without you….. or something like that…)