Tag Archives: personal

Life’s ways!

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Couple of years ago, I took the low road and succumbed to the easy way out.

We all do that, on day to day basis, don’t we? and mostly there is no harm done. However in my case, I made my situation worse and took another friend down along with me. While the experience itself was painful, shattering and stained with lots of guilty tears, It helped me shape into who I am today and that ways it ended well for me. But in the process I lost a friend and  felt really bad for hurting a nice soul.

No matter how hard I tried to make the mends, it always resulted in exchange of harsh words. Some how this person was capable of bringing the worst out of me. I could lash out with insults I never knew existed and in result ended up being wounded even more. I was somehow convinced that I was the bad one and the other person was the victim here.

Till about last year, after another failed attempt at reconciliation, I took a step back and finally decided to let it all go. May be I was not the only one to be blamed and may be not every bridge can be mended again. I vowed to not make things any worse and prayed every day for the strength to carry on.

While it worked for me, it seems this dear friend of mine is still not able to let go. Every couple of months I get insults swinged at me, and unlike in the past, I am easily able to dodge.  I don’t feel the need to prove a point or hurt back any more.

Just the other day I got another note, wishing for me to burn in Hell and So intense was the need of this person to hurt me hard, that the poor soul couldn’t even frame the words right. I always used to get so hurt reading the words addressed to me that no decent person deserves to hear, and today all I feel is compassion for the person, who must be so overwhelmed with feelings that couldn’t even wait to get the note straight.

Every day lived, especially the ones I feel were unnecessarily hard, seem to bring out the best in me. Every minute, I am given a choice to take it easy or work hard for all its worth and I try not to forget the fallen moments and work hard to make it count, even if, its just for a day.

Idle chat with the sense less mind!

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*** before you proceed on to reading this, I might as well just tell you, It is not written for any literal or entertainment value and may leave you feeling strained. I am just writing, like I probably should, in my personal Diary, but since, this is my personal diary, I have chosen to ramble on.

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It’s amazing how our mind works, sometimes against us, sometimes in favour, but mostly just to stay, (lets just put it mildly), ‘In comfort’.

It has happened to me before and I know my mind will trick me in future as well, however, the silly thing doesn’t know that I have figured it out now.

I love learning human psychology and out of all the books I have ever read, my man is the best of them all. His understanding while sounds so raw and unbelievable, is mostly true. In his words, ‘Minds/Brains sole job is to keep us alive as long as it can, It makes us lazy, solely on account that less movement results in less risks, hence we live on. Our heart on the hand, is ‘Heart’ after all, Heart wants what heart wants, hence we dream on. For most, Heart loses to mind, succumbing to the primal urge to live a long and ordinary life, while few out of the minds fellows, recklessly follow their dreams, truly living long. ‘

Any how, coming back to the mind games, ever since this year has started, life has been, lets just say ‘eventful’. Things haven’t always been pleasant, however mostly worth the pain – for the learning they left behind. So in the middle of lots of roller coaster ride like, fast paced learning, I have grown up more than I did in the past 10 years put together. I had heard about people saying,”ignorance is a bliss” and today, I do understand that, for more I am learning about myself, world, people, life – less rested I feel. So many believes have shattered, so many theories have been proven wrong, but result, always is, Me Growing strong.

So it should be all well then?

It is, except, that with all that 24 hour buzz, my mind is little shaken ; ).

No, I haven’t lost my marbles, it’s just, It does get overwhelming, the more I learn, more I see that I still don’t know so much and whenever I am feeling ambitious, my jealous mind steps in, playing cheap games.

For instance, bringing back memories of people who have let me down, or done me wrong, I am sure every body has few of them in store, so do I. I have been so angry lately, thinking of all that wasn’t right, all that wasn’t deserved, all that went in vain and all that was never said. Like apologies, I have wasted more than a week, thinking of an apology that has been due for couple of years now coupled with the thank you note, that was never passed on. I remember how many times I gave that person chance just to hear him say those to words, and yet they never came.

Thinking about these things is useless, like bandwidth wasted by spyware, but that is exactly what my mind does, putting so much of shit in there, that I am reduced to  nothing but a crashed, infected old Celeron.

I was born smart, talented, so to say, I haven’t met another man of my age who has outwitted me yet, however I have also been the laziest being I have ever seen, I have always done just enough to survive, cause I knew I did not have to do more. But things are different now, I want things for myself, I want to make a mark, may be an impression if not on the whole world then at least on my own little side of the world. So every few days, when I have knocked a few limits set by my mind, I am thrown back into the spiral of this playful self pity games. On most days I am just sulking, proceeding to becoming unbearable and ending in self-destruction (nothing scary) mode.

The point is, Mr. Mind, I know you are smart, Frick! I am your biggest fan, but lets just quit playing this lovers chase and focus on our big aim! Lets make peace and live happily ever after or I will have to leave every thing aside to kick your smart ass out of here.

 

My Happy Place!

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Till couple of days back, I couldn’t start my day without reading my Horoscope for the day. I did nothing but read through those dreamy words and spent time wondering about all that was possible in future unknown. Now, I just realized, I have forgotten, what once was almost as important as breathing because I am busy writing my own fate.  I again had to step out today for a useless journey, I am still warm with the fever from the night before, covered under layers of cloths, travelling in this busy metro (subway), I still couldn’t stop myself from  penning away. Finally I have found that 1 thing I can’t do without, making my life a happy place.

Dec 21st – Moving on

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Okay, so I broke the pact yesterday, by not uploading anything at all. But lucky for me I took some notes in my phone for the book I have meant to start for long. I am going to write on it under the category, ‘living on the side line.’ I hope while I am still dragging my feet towards it, no one will steal my theme.  😛

 

Please forgive me, but I love, love no more

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Now, this may give you the picture of a sad, heartbroken girl, sobbing alone or a person grown cold of being treated wrong. My bad for starting like that, but fortunately I am none of those. I am happily married for almost a year, to the man I have loved for more than 7 years now… but still I wish to be in love no more.

Reasons?

I will tell you why… I grew up being rebellion, breaking rules and redefining boundaries, only to get one thing that my love has taken away – Freedom.

Trust me my friend, that word is more dramatic than it sounded when you heard it in brave heart and more inspiring than a beautiful love song.

 Freedom is what I always wanted, freedom is what I long. Being in love with a man like mine, means you are going to be protected from the world outside and the world in your head, so consider your freedom gone.  You will be watched like a child and will be swept in arms even if you think you may have just touched a rock.

 If you are beginning to think, I am unappreciative of the care I am given, picture losing the ability to move about, because your loved ones are afraid of seeing you get hurt. Picture, not being able to decide what you would like to eat or wear, because it may not be best for you, imagine not being able to take a hobby class or meet a friend, because that means commuting, and that’s a risky thing to do.  

I have been in love with the idea of being in love, longer than I can recall, however now I know, it comes with a hefty price tag and it’s always up to us to decide if we can afford it at all.