Tag Archives: Reflection

Fearless, My @$$!

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Few weeks back, on a Saturday night, I turned the corner and found a fair. A real ‘Fair’, here, in Netherlands, Just like the one we had back home, with all the rides and food and people and  Beer, boy so much of beer, I had never seen. (we do not get that back home). Anyhow, I was feeling extra alive that night so I screamed to my man for taking me to all the rides. He wasn’t so sure, cause the one I wanted to begin with, was really scary and he didn’t know if I could handle it. But with much of pulling from my side and little bit rebuttals from his, we ended up with the tickets to the scariest ride of my life.

While getting on the ride was fun, and get off was much awaited, but every thing in between was a colourful blur.  But when I was on the ride I found every one, either laughing, screaming, crying, some throwing up, I mean every one was active except for me. I was quiet as stone and some times closed my eyes when it got really scary, letting it go on.  You see I am not the dare-devil kinds, but I also rarely chicken out of things, even if it gets really nasty.

The ride was fun, and I know I probably would like to do it again, but it got me seriously thinking about something that was wrong.

I know, I know I pick on myself more than any one else would dare to do with me, but that’s how you get better in life, I think! But, I realized, while I may not quit all together, I never let myself go with things either. Life is like a Roller coaster Ride, I am okay with all the ups and downs and being pulled around with G-forces and all, but often enough I find myself get lost in my happy place, trying to stay as still as I can, waiting for things to settle down. I do not kick back, I do not stare in its eyes, I do not throw up.

For example, I promised myself to write every day, and I do. if you are wondering about the missing articles, well they are all lying in my drafts because I recently updated my subscribers widget and noticed that I had a few kind souls reading all the bull shit I put out there, and now I can not publish my posts. I mean I do not want to stop writing, but what if I am not good enough.   I don’t want to let any one down! (what crap!)

I wrote this particular piece the following Monday after that fair, but never got around posting it. Now that I know, I do this, I might be able to fix but…. what a sad ass way to go man… I need to grow up.

 

 

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Diary of a wanna be bitch!

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I hate confrontations, I mean, who likes to stick their neck out and jump right into the hurt zone. I just want to mind my steps, never stepping on anyone’s path, forget about toes. I don’t want people to think I am bad. I want to be the nice one, the one who would heal.

But does it work out like that? – No Sir.

I end up letting things go way beyond control, repair or rebuild.

My silence sends a wrong message,

My procrastination on facing the truth spoils it beyond recognition and I lose the battle way before I step into the field. Nothing good ever comes out of it, then why am I still on the same path, making the same mistakes over and over again?

I need to stand up, without losing my head. Fight without fear or anger, fight for who I am and what I want to be. But I am so scared. Scared to take the first step, towards being that manipulative bitch, who, don’t just survives.

**Only text is mine, image is thankfully borrowed from “www.bestgallerytattoofor2012.blogspot.com”

 

Heavenly Souls!

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Those heavenly souls gasping and murmuring, asked the lord…
“And you think this is the best of what you have ever created?”
“Oh Yes!” He replied, with a smug smile.
“But look at the way its curved and molded, must have gone something wrong with the structure…”
“This wrong shall set you all right to the heaven”, is all HE said.
“But what good is it? It seems so frail!!”
“SHE”
HE cleared his throat,
“She is strong enough to carry you around for long, even before you will exist…
She is my dears, what I call, your passage to the mortal world below…”
Horror set through them all, followed by…
“Look at those eyes, my chest feels strange, the way she looks at me… those wicked evil eyes…”
“We must banish it …
She must not be one of us…
Never…”
“Thou shall be on the mercy of your own kind for every breath you will heave…”
“One of us shall write your fate… whosoever thy shall choose to mate…”
Satisfied with the chosen words… those heavenly souls smiled. Just as lord turned his back, they threw her off the skies…
As she fell from the heavens above, they casted worst curse of all…
“And thou shall dream my love… thou shall dream till you weep”