Category Archives: Bitching

I am Just PMSing!

Presence of Mind!

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What can I say, my mind has a mind of its own!

It’s faster than the speed of light and more active than a nuclear reactor!!

The moment I touch the first dish or pick a shirt to fold, it leaves me before I can know. It runs wild with the wind and is harder to tame than a horse. I go through my day like a zombie, never knowing what is it that I am doing, what has been done and what I am stepping into next, for my thinking companion is never around.

In my head I have stories forming every minute and I am contemplating a theory or two all the time. It would have been great if I would have chosen writing as a profession, in which case I am sure I would have gone blank in the matter of seconds, but in daily life that I lead and the work I do, it is important that I pay attention to smallest of details. I mean, I would love to have a day when I didn’t have to redress cause I had it on the other way round!

After years of double checking every thing I do, I am now beginning to work on my presence of mind and I can safely say from my last few days experience, it is the hardest thing I have ever done but equally rewarding too. For instance, today for the first time I noticed the beautiful flowers and honey bees on the trail I run on every  day. Even if the control was only for few seconds and the bees took me soon away again into the thoughts of a book I had read by Agatha Christie and from there to a far away land of crime and thriller, I felt alive in those seconds. I soaked in the scarce European sun,  smiled at the beautiful blue sky and felt the cool breeze on my face.

I wish I can live every minute of my life like this. The other day I wrote about wanting a life of dependability. For me presence of mind is first step in being dependable. So, no matter how long it takes  I will tame this wild mind of mine.

Hee haw…

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**Only text is mine Image is thankfully borrowed from http://www.creativitypost.com/philosophy/hold_your_horses_jonah_lehrer_steps_towards_the_science_of_creativity

Who’s laughing now!

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Who so ever said, “Life’s Hard”, was way off!

Life to me, seems like this flexible thing, ever-changing under the pressure of our dreams, hopes and sometimes under sheer will.

What it although is, a Sarcastic B**** with a dry wit. It doesn’t complain against our efforts of constantly changing its course, It awaits, almost silently, till the moment you have it all exactly how you once wished  it to be and then gloats watching you suffer and wishing for the things to be different again.

 

Luck!

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                      “Luck is a fancy word used too often to disguise the years of back breaking work!”

If you just read the above line and thought I must be the ungrateful kinds who has forgotten GOD and all his blessings, read again. If it made you think that its my arrogance that i speak such words I insist that you give it a second thought. If you think I am blaming others for belittling my hard work, am afraid you may have to reconsider.

Let me explain…

The above statement is neither a challenge nor a blame, its a mere reflection on how we all think on an average given day. I, for instance, have rejected my failures on the name of bad luck for years. I have been jealous of those who achieved the goals while I sat there cursing my stars. But if I was to poke a little deeper and pick on each action taken by those ‘lucky ones’, in comparison to my own, the only difference found was the lack of any such action at my end.

While I do believe, that being born and perishing away are the sheer play of God, every thing that happens in between is driven by us all. There is always a choice between, easy or hard, right or wrong, now or later, yes or no and we pick our cards. While most of us do it blindly, taking the easier option whenever they can,there do exist a few, very few, who do play by the rules. They know right from wrong, they face their fears, they work till dawn and only God knows after how many nights spent without sleep, result in that one ‘lucky’ strike, that one hand of ‘fate’, that changes it all.

Questions and more…

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Have I struggled enough,

I ask myself,

or have I just endured?

does my silent-suffering,

makes me noble,

or was I suppose to kick back more?

I too bear the ugly scars,

then how come they don’t tell tales?

or being beaten, is not quite as much fun,

as fighting tooth and nails.

Life is mean,

and End is real,

but that’s no reason to not have soul.

being in ditch,

brings no glory,

unless I find my way out of hell hole.

Fearless, My @$$!

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Few weeks back, on a Saturday night, I turned the corner and found a fair. A real ‘Fair’, here, in Netherlands, Just like the one we had back home, with all the rides and food and people and  Beer, boy so much of beer, I had never seen. (we do not get that back home). Anyhow, I was feeling extra alive that night so I screamed to my man for taking me to all the rides. He wasn’t so sure, cause the one I wanted to begin with, was really scary and he didn’t know if I could handle it. But with much of pulling from my side and little bit rebuttals from his, we ended up with the tickets to the scariest ride of my life.

While getting on the ride was fun, and get off was much awaited, but every thing in between was a colourful blur.  But when I was on the ride I found every one, either laughing, screaming, crying, some throwing up, I mean every one was active except for me. I was quiet as stone and some times closed my eyes when it got really scary, letting it go on.  You see I am not the dare-devil kinds, but I also rarely chicken out of things, even if it gets really nasty.

The ride was fun, and I know I probably would like to do it again, but it got me seriously thinking about something that was wrong.

I know, I know I pick on myself more than any one else would dare to do with me, but that’s how you get better in life, I think! But, I realized, while I may not quit all together, I never let myself go with things either. Life is like a Roller coaster Ride, I am okay with all the ups and downs and being pulled around with G-forces and all, but often enough I find myself get lost in my happy place, trying to stay as still as I can, waiting for things to settle down. I do not kick back, I do not stare in its eyes, I do not throw up.

For example, I promised myself to write every day, and I do. if you are wondering about the missing articles, well they are all lying in my drafts because I recently updated my subscribers widget and noticed that I had a few kind souls reading all the bull shit I put out there, and now I can not publish my posts. I mean I do not want to stop writing, but what if I am not good enough.   I don’t want to let any one down! (what crap!)

I wrote this particular piece the following Monday after that fair, but never got around posting it. Now that I know, I do this, I might be able to fix but…. what a sad ass way to go man… I need to grow up.

 

 

Idle chat with the sense less mind!

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*** before you proceed on to reading this, I might as well just tell you, It is not written for any literal or entertainment value and may leave you feeling strained. I am just writing, like I probably should, in my personal Diary, but since, this is my personal diary, I have chosen to ramble on.

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It’s amazing how our mind works, sometimes against us, sometimes in favour, but mostly just to stay, (lets just put it mildly), ‘In comfort’.

It has happened to me before and I know my mind will trick me in future as well, however, the silly thing doesn’t know that I have figured it out now.

I love learning human psychology and out of all the books I have ever read, my man is the best of them all. His understanding while sounds so raw and unbelievable, is mostly true. In his words, ‘Minds/Brains sole job is to keep us alive as long as it can, It makes us lazy, solely on account that less movement results in less risks, hence we live on. Our heart on the hand, is ‘Heart’ after all, Heart wants what heart wants, hence we dream on. For most, Heart loses to mind, succumbing to the primal urge to live a long and ordinary life, while few out of the minds fellows, recklessly follow their dreams, truly living long. ‘

Any how, coming back to the mind games, ever since this year has started, life has been, lets just say ‘eventful’. Things haven’t always been pleasant, however mostly worth the pain – for the learning they left behind. So in the middle of lots of roller coaster ride like, fast paced learning, I have grown up more than I did in the past 10 years put together. I had heard about people saying,”ignorance is a bliss” and today, I do understand that, for more I am learning about myself, world, people, life – less rested I feel. So many believes have shattered, so many theories have been proven wrong, but result, always is, Me Growing strong.

So it should be all well then?

It is, except, that with all that 24 hour buzz, my mind is little shaken ; ).

No, I haven’t lost my marbles, it’s just, It does get overwhelming, the more I learn, more I see that I still don’t know so much and whenever I am feeling ambitious, my jealous mind steps in, playing cheap games.

For instance, bringing back memories of people who have let me down, or done me wrong, I am sure every body has few of them in store, so do I. I have been so angry lately, thinking of all that wasn’t right, all that wasn’t deserved, all that went in vain and all that was never said. Like apologies, I have wasted more than a week, thinking of an apology that has been due for couple of years now coupled with the thank you note, that was never passed on. I remember how many times I gave that person chance just to hear him say those to words, and yet they never came.

Thinking about these things is useless, like bandwidth wasted by spyware, but that is exactly what my mind does, putting so much of shit in there, that I am reduced to  nothing but a crashed, infected old Celeron.

I was born smart, talented, so to say, I haven’t met another man of my age who has outwitted me yet, however I have also been the laziest being I have ever seen, I have always done just enough to survive, cause I knew I did not have to do more. But things are different now, I want things for myself, I want to make a mark, may be an impression if not on the whole world then at least on my own little side of the world. So every few days, when I have knocked a few limits set by my mind, I am thrown back into the spiral of this playful self pity games. On most days I am just sulking, proceeding to becoming unbearable and ending in self-destruction (nothing scary) mode.

The point is, Mr. Mind, I know you are smart, Frick! I am your biggest fan, but lets just quit playing this lovers chase and focus on our big aim! Lets make peace and live happily ever after or I will have to leave every thing aside to kick your smart ass out of here.

 

Life, huh!

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My fingers have been a little shaky lately, and I feel a pit in my stomach too deep to be dealt with, so I ponder no more.

No, I am not sick, not now I think, but I still can not shake the weakness off my soul.

Well, that’s how I feel when I get nostalgic or have a nausea of a cause, I can not single out.

And moments ago, as I sat here, watching the last episode of Scrubs season 8, somewhere between the song, I figured, what’s wrong.

Ever since this year has started, every thing has changed, every Single thing. (Not complaining, I know it’s for good!)

I have finally found the nicest place, but it’s not HOME!!!

I can not understand most of the words I hear in the street,  I no longer know the best cereal brands out there, so I don’t get to have my blueberry mornings, my Skippy is no longer chunky and I can’t find the same cosy fragrance of my fabric conditioner. So, no, it’s not the Same….

I am in way better shape than I was, just a few months ago, but still every few days I have to Push myself just to go on…

I guess that’s what you call, The Fear of Unknown….

Damn you, the fear! I am not afraid, so I will go on, just a moment more….

Random Thoughts!

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Since I really don’t want to ruin my day by not penning something, I am here to write again. I don’t have any story popping in my head today as I seem to be swamped with random thoughts and emotions, so to say.

My husband hates my habit of being so out-of-order or logic. I once asked him to get me a new playlist for my running routine and my current playlist almost got me screwed, I had an all in one list, with music ranging from, country, jazz, pop, hip hop and not to forget regional in it.

Where is the theme??

So just like the playlist I have no theme today.

I am still not over thinking about that ridiculous yet troubling message I got on my FB  the other day, from a fake profile, claiming to be from my past.  I am also irritated, as all my favourite shows like supernatural and scrubs are turning into a big disappointment. I hate to see so much clutter around me and its my hubby’s birthday month and I have no idea how to make a big fuss about it. Phew! Man, do I crib!!

With Raksha bandhan today, it’s the beginning of the season of festivals in India, even though the official start will only happen in October , when navratras will start and will go on till mid of January.Me and my partner are from different religious backgrounds,  so we get to have bunch of extra festive days.  Funnily, festivals can make you feel so home sick, no matter how sick your family may makes you feel, any other day.

Any how, regardless of the randomness of my state of mind right now, I am just happy, knowing that I will end up making this day worth something, before I hit the sack. Oh and I got to do something about my ridiculously long sentences. Freak! I am sounding like those characters in Scrubs. Extra Freak!!!

Gotta go now, I have a great day to look forward to, I hope you do the same.

***This image is work of John Pack, Thankfully borrowed from “http://www.illustrationsource.com/stock/image/28959/collage-of-human-thoughts-with-brain/?&results_per_page=1&detail=TRUE&page=3

Dialogue!

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As I stepped out for a quick run,

Dear GOD,

There she was, again!

I cursed under my breath,

As she smiled, and waved,  Hi!

Oh!

I didn’t know,

are we friends again??

I hate your guts,

Hate the smile.

Stopped in my steps,

I motioned you in,

“Why don’t you come around?

We can sit and have a chat!”

She stalled a bit,

Then decided to sit.

Smiling, urging me to go on.

“You know honestly,

I have nothing nice to say,

You have been a betrayer,

A cruel slayer…

You have done nothing but wrong.”

I looked up, searched her eyes,

Where any sign of remorse was yet to be found.

Disappointed and bitter, I sharpened my words,

I sighed and shifted,

Getting myself ready, for the next round.

“You are a liar,

You have made me cry,

If, for you,

by now, I would have died.

You have no shame,

You play mind games,

I just don’t get it,

Why or how?”

Sinking in low,

I gritted my teeth,

Clenched my grip,

Tensing all up,

Till every muscle twitched…

“My dear life,

You will have no more,

Cause,

you are nothing,

NOTHING!!!

but a self-righteous bitch!”

Yes You!

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whenever I think of the amount of time I spent thinking of you and then look at what you really are, I wonder, I must stop my habit of exaggerating on all that can go wrong!